This is a job advert from the lang cat.

Hello. We’re the lang cat and we’re on the hunt for someone who can help us:

• develop and run our digital marketing presence
• manage our mailing lists better
• manage some social media stuff (for clients too)
• keep us visible on search engines, which are things that millennials use to find stuff on the information supermotorway, apparently
• manage our website (this one is important) including analytics and that
• help us with more general marketing activities including events
• work with video and photo media a bit more

Now. We’re mainly a business to business business, if you know what we mean, and so this gig is all about that. That’s a nice way of saying that it’s all going to be much more boring than, for example, working for Rockstar or Skyscanner or whatever. But it’ll be considerably less boring than other things, albeit we’re not sure exactly what those are.

WHAT SORT OF CAT ARE YOU?

To be successful you’ll need to be:

• confident in your experience, knowledge and skills
• able to hold your own in a team of strong-willed and often bloody-minded financial services professionals
• able to motivate people to write things or do things that you want them to do
• able to cope with the technical and regulated nature of the market in which we work
• be up to date with GDPR and security more generally
• literate and numerate
• supportive of the boss’s taste in music, or able to fake it.

Some nice to haves: a bit of experience in financial services wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. If you can turn your hand to a spot of coding that wouldn’t go amiss. A good visual eye will help you. A willingness and ability to help clients as well as the lang cat will make us happyface.

EXCHANGING YOUR LABOUR FOR REMUNERATION

We think this is a full-time gig in our lovely airy offices in fashionable Leith. You might think different, and you might be right, so we’re happy to hear from those who reckon the job could be done in fewer hours.

Salary is dependent on experience. No-one ever knows what that means in ads like this, but make the case for what you think you’re worth and why. There’s a bonus scheme, a training allowance, a pension to which we pay 8% of your salary a year, and you can have some holidays sometimes if you must. The coffee is plentiful and there are biscuits from time to time if anyone remembers to go to the shop.

WHAT TO DO NOW

If you’re all a-flutter then GO GO GO. Write to Mark Polson here – we’ll want a decent covering note and a CV, and some examples of previous work. It’ll be worth reading up on us and what we do before you apply. CVs with spelling mistakes on them will be a) mocked and b) discarded. Looking forward to hearing from you. Now GO.

A note to agencies

Hi, thanks for dropping by. We’re not going to spend money on agency fees, which is a shame for you. If you really believe you have the answer to our dreams, you can get in touch, but by doing so you hereby (posh) agree that if we don’t take your candidate you will pay us 25% of the first year’s salary he or she was hoping for. Sauce for the goose, etc.

*chapeau to the fragrant Alan Connor of Nucleus for the ‘digital swiss army knife’ thing.